I had contact last week with another adult sibling who had recently come across 'sibling literature'. She had read my book, Siblings, (but there are several books for sibs by sibs out there), and talked about how she had cried the whole way through. There was so much resonance in what she read. So much bottled up feeling that was finally having a way to release. This was not an isolated scenario. And I stop to wonder yet again why it is that siblings in their 40's - 50's are accessing other sibling stories so late. We wouldn't dream of saying to a parent of a child living with disability that they couldn't have contact with another parent for decades to come. It is recognised that there is enormous value in having contact with others who share the same path.
Most children are very accepting of differences. Their brother or sister with a disability is just that, their brother or sister first. In many cases they adapt well to whatever it is that a brother or sister can or cannot do. But as they become older there may be some challenges. They may pick up messages from other members of their family or from people outside the family. They may pick up on stress around them or start to feel overlooked within their family. Or they may become aware that people stare or say hurtful things. We can't protect children from difficult experiences but we can provide them with the tools to cope.
There is increasing understanding of what siblings need to become stronger and more resilient. And it isn't difficult. If we support them from a young age not only will they feel better about themselves but also it is likely they will enjoy a stronger, closer relationship with their brother or sister with disability. Given that sibling relationships last a lifetime that can only be a good thing.
Support can come in a variety of forms - here are just a few to start with:
- an adult (family member/friend/teacher) might show an interest in the sibling and be a 'listening ear'
- extended family or friends can include siblings in activities that the child might normally miss out on
- sibling support groups can allow siblings to meet up with other children and share experiences and strategies for coping with challenges - the Siblings Australia website has a directory of sibling services around Australia - you can do a search. See search
Sibling groups are not for everyone but many siblings gain enormously from connecting with other sibs. The children who came to the
SibworkS program we ran last month made new friends; explored the things they enjoy doing with their brother or sister and the things they like doing on their own; explored their feelings; shared ideas on how to cope with a range of challenges eg teasing and bullying (a big issue in this particular group). Feedback from parents was extremely positive, with many of the children seeming more relaxed and more able to interact positively with their brother or sister with disability.
Our dream is that all siblings have an opportunity to connect with other sibs.